~Mackenna Marie Ballew~
August 11, 2009
8 pounds 5 ounces
I switched to another
He came in and checked me and said he could definitely feel the baby but it wasn’t her head. He brought in an ultrasound and confirmed that baby had flipped frank breech. (Looking back I could almost pinpoint the moment that she flipped while I was moving things, but it just never occurred to me that the pressure from lifting stuff would cause a baby to flip.) I couldn’t even look at the screen because I knew she was going to be breech and I knew that meant I was going to have another c/section (my doc and hospital don’t do breech births). I fell into Dustin’s arms and sobbed. My VBAC was so close and it had slipped right through my fingers. They took me to the OR and did not allow Dustin in the room while they did the spinal. I was still crying from the news that I had to have a section and then the guy doing my spinal missed and I could feel the blood running down my back. And then he missed again and more blood, I was sobbing asking them to please let Dustin in the room. I was seriously afraid they were going to injure me. He finally got my spinal in properly and they let Dustin into the room and I calmed down. Again I laid numb, waiting to get to see and hold my baby. Again, I had my baby taken out of my body. Again, I wasn’t there for the bath, weight, footprints, or to nurse or even have skin to skin contact with my child.
My recovery from this surgery was much faster and easier. I think in part because the nerves were already destroyed in that area and in part because I had a 17 month old that needed me to still be his mommy. Nursing also went a lot more smoothly and I didn’t suffer from PPD. I attribute all of that to going into labor naturally when my body and my baby were ready. I was again disappointed but not like the first time. I felt like I was given the chance to have a natural birth and at the time I did not know that a frank breech baby could be delivered vaginally so I felt like this c/section was warranted. I did feel frustration and guilt about my actions being the reason she flipped but other than that I just felt resolved to try again with our next baby.